Julianna Ainsleigh 
Despite their crazy hygiene habits, these generations survived long enough to produce us. So perhaps we shouldn’t knock it!
Here’s how your ancestors stayed ‘somewhat’ clean.
1. Urine Mouthwash: Because Romans Started It, Medieval Europe Perfected It
Portuguese urine was considered premium, shipped across Europe in barrels. Physicians insisted the ammonia whitened teeth. It did. It also dissolved them.
2. Live Lice = Healthy Child: The More, The Merrier
Parents panicked if children had NO lice. It meant they were dying. Lice abandon cooling corpses, so a lice-free child meant death was coming. The logic was flawless. The conclusion is horrifying. The itching was real!
One cannot imagine telling children to ‘stop fidgeting’.
3. The Groom of the Stool: England’s Most Prestigious Toilet Job
Wiping the royal arse was an honour. The position came with estates, influence, and the King’s ear (whilst he pooped). Henry VIII’s Groom became the Earl of Suffolk. Nothing says “career advancement” like intimate knowledge of royal bowel movements.
4. Eagle Dung Face Cream: Byzantine Beauty Secret
Crushed eagle faeces mixed with vinegar for a “glowing” youthful skin. Empress Zoe used this concoction religiously. She lived to 72, looking “very young and beautiful”. Perhaps she had found the secret elixir of youth. Or not as this may have been a slur placed on her by others.
5. Weasel Testicle Contraception: Medieval Birth Control
Wearing weasel’s testicles around your neck during sex. If that failed, jump backwards seven times whilst sneezing. If THAT failed, drink lead. One way or another, no pregnancy. It could have kept things interesting?
6. The Great Unwashed Forehead: A Sign of Intelligence
Washing your forehead washed away your intelligence. Scholars proudly displayed years of accumulated grime, proving they were indeed smart.
The darker the forehead, the more profound the wisdom. A filthy forehead was a true sign of intellect. You were not to be messed with.
7. Mouse Paste Toothpaste: Ancient Egypt to Stuart England
Dead mice, mashed into paste, rubbed on teeth for “pain relief.” Also used for earaches (whole mouse, inserted directly) into the lug. Culminating in 3,000 years of mouse-based medicine.
